I'm Afraid.

 Afraid of nothing changing

of being stuck in this loop until my very last breath.

But I’m also afraid of the opposite
of everyone growing up and growing apart.

Of losing the comfort in the simplest things
the ones that made me feel just a little warmer,
a little closer
to a home that never really existed.

There’s this lingering melancholy
like I’m watching life unfold from a distance,
yet somehow, I’m still part of it,
crystal clear and vivid.

My thoughts are a mess
but as clear as they’ve ever been.

I’m scared of losing everyone,
but even more afraid because
I think I’ve already lost myself.

I’m disassociating.

I see blue, black, and red
where I once saw clear shapes,
defined edges, and light.

I feel lonely,
but not quite alone.

There’s an emptiness inside me
stirring quietly
when no one calls my phone.

I need people to feel grounded,
yet I crave solitude all the same.

My mind is always drifting,
like a stray without a name.

I find peace in books
or do I?

Don’t they pull me further away instead?
From a world I already can’t seem to fit in.

I’m numb.

I cry every night.
I laugh
but inside, I feel withered and dry.

What is this melancholy feeling?
One I can’t quite define.

Like I’m drowning
in an ocean made of all my emotions
and I just can’t seem to hold on tight.

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